Monday, March 3, 2008

I Should Be Teaching

There really isn't a valid reason why I'm not. I've always maintained that I can always fall back to teaching. Not that I've done it before... but it's my fallback career. If I can't think of or find something that I really want to do, I can always fall back to teaching.

Well... it really is about that time. Past that time, really. I don't really have any valid excuses for why I'm not doing it.

Oh... I've got invalid excuses. I've got invalid excuses for everything. Most of the time, I don't feel capable of conducting a class. But I know that's crap. There's really nothing that I'm incapable of doing. But teaching's a year long commitment, and there's no real training period. Day one I'll be in the room by myself with room full of kids. And, for one thing, I don't feel like I have anything worth imparting.

But if I absolutely hate it, I'm stuck for a year.

But I probably wouldn't hate it. I'd probably be fine. So at this point, it's really probably what I should be doing. Now, whether or not I will is another story.

I should get myself certified to sub, and get a little bit of experience in a classroom for the remainder of the school year. And then in the fall I should look for a job teaching high school english. That should be the plan, and for the next few days I'll probably think it over, and then I'll probably dismiss it again, like I always have.

God, I hate me.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Just Like In the Movies

To a certain extent I live my life like a movie. Obviously not in the activities of my life, as those are few and far between, but the way that I think. And at the moment, I want to pontificate on movie scenes... or television... or even books really. Fiction scenes. The ones with the slow piano dominated soundtracks where the character is reflecting, or gripping a sentimental object. Or destroying/throwing away said object. Do people really have these scenes?

I know I do. But I contrive them. I've held an object and tried to grip it so tight that it left an imprint on my palm. And I've tried to just sit for hours just reflecting and sobbing. But I never have really felt the way that I think I'm supposed to while doing these things. I do them because I feel that cinematically they are what I am supposed to do. I can never get it to have a real emotional effect on me the way it's supposed to.

I end up only sitting and sobbing for a minute or two before I get bored and turn on the teevee. And then my mind is occupied by what I was supposed to be pining in cinematic reflection on, and whatever the television wants me to be paying attention to.

I'm really just sort of curious as to whether or not other people do these things, and whether they have the true desired emotional impact on themselves. My guess is that they do, and that I'm just not built that way.

I think it's sort of the same idea as writing for yourself. Emily Dickinson wrote her poetry for herself, and never really intended to show it to anyone or publish it or anything. I don't know if that's because she just thought it wasn't good and no one would be interested, like the plot we've seen played out in countless movies replacing poetry for art or singing or whatever... But probably not. There are countless people who really do just write or paint for their own enjoyment, and it doesn't matter if anyone else ever sees it.

I don't do that. I live for the outside world. I tried to keep a journal once, but it didn't stick because it just seemed trite, and no one was ever going to be reading it anyway so what's the point? Whereas this is equally as trite, but it's out there for people to read... whether or not they do. There is an intended audience I am writing to who is not me.

I guess there isn't any sort of greater point that I am trying to make... and there isn't a particular here-and-now real life occurrence this is relating to.

I was just thinking about it. And I wish life was more like a movie. I wish things worked out the way that they are supposed to and that everything was cinematic. I really believe it could be. I guess that's one of the major differences between us. I believe that life could have a fairy tale ending. You just need to believe it can, let it, and do a little bit of work to help it along. And have a somewhat loose interpretation of what "happily ever after means."

I moved this paragraph from the beginning to the end, because I wanted the entry to start on a more interesting note:

I really should be working on the pilot instead of this drivel. I clearly have the time to be writing, and I'm not really even sure that I'm blocked at the moment. I could probably write at least one of the scenes that it is my responsibility to write tonight. The pilot's almost finished now, and I really like the way it's turning out... but I'm not really pulling my weight. But that's not what I want to talk about here.