I haven’t written anything in a very long time. It’s been like a few months since I’ve written a story thingy, and even longer since I’ve written a blog. I should probably be trying to write some fiction something, but I’m not.
I’ve got a Rush Limbaugh review thing that I want to write, but that would sort of require more thought and planning than I’ve put into it so far, and I really just wanted to write something. So instead, this is yet another entry about things that is wrong with me.
PAX was great. If anyone asks, I had a great time. Which I more or less did. It was a great experience. And yet…
I can’t help but feel like I did it wrong. Which is stupid. One of the many wonderful things about PAX is that you can’t really do it wrong. It’s just a thing. Go and enjoy it. But still, even having been there I feel like I missed out on it.
I don’t think I’m really the right person for PAX. I have that feeling about a lot of things. The problem I had with PAX is that the whole point was to sort of go there and hang out and play video games. But I just wouldn’t feel right doing that. I mean, the video game rooms had like a waiting list and sort of worked like a video game room at summer camp. You got a TV with a console and sort of checked out games.
There really aren’t a whole lot of games that I want to try out that I haven’t already tried out. And just sitting around at a convention playing a game, or laying around on a beanbag in the hallway playing my PSP or something, felt to me like I would have been wasting my time there. But that was the point! So, I didn’t do that, and that made me feel like I sort of wasted my time there.
But it was great. It really really was. It was an incredibly friendly atmosphere, and everyone there seemed firmly of the standpoint that they were going to have fun, and also they were going to do their best to make sure everyone around them was also having fun. It was a weird sort of militant attitude of good naturedness. It also made me really discover the wonders of Jonathan Coulton, which is a good thing.
There were a few really nice moments that I remember from PAX, but what I really want to talk about is something that I was thinking about in my preparation for the trip. And that is making first impressions. Specifically, to the minor celebrities that were at attendance.
The person I was most excited to meet at PAX was Justin McElroy. You probably don’t know who that is, which is another thing I sort of want to discuss but we’ll see how it goes.
When I was thinking about meeting Justin, I was trying to think of something to say to him that would instantly endear him to me and make him want to carry on a conversation, maybe make a lasting impression with him. I have to say, I got nothing.
And that’s the thing. I don’t know how to really make a first impression. I think it’s a skill that I had once, briefly, but it’s gone now. I feel like I’m not a difficult person to like. I don’t think there are any people who I know that dislike me. But I also feel like I have a sort of personality that grows on you, like a fungus. I don’t know how to sort of strike up an interesting conversation with a stranger or endear myself through introduction.
So, I decided “So what?” These people are not real people to me. Justin McElroy seems like a great guy, and it would be nice if he were my friend. But he’s not. He’s a guy who is on the internet and entertains me. He doesn’t really care who I am or anything. I would be a bit upset if I thought he particularly disliked me, but I’m really fine with him not knowing or caring who I am. He continues to entertain me, and that’s really all I can ask of the guy.
This is really more of a problem with meeting girls. I hate saying that, but honestly… I really want to find a girlfriend.
Now, it’s not like there’s this mass amount of girls who I am particularly interested in that I’m pining over or anything. And that’s sort of the point… I don’t really know how to meet people. There’s a couple girls at work who seem nice and are cute, and I just don’t know how to, you know… get to know them. I don’t really work with them, so I’m not in a position where conversation would sort of happen. I would have to make it happen.
This is a different problem from my other problem of feeling sort of skeevy that I want to go out of my way to get to know the girls who I think are attractive as opposed to, well, anyone else.
I have actually been making a real effort to meet people on OKCupid. Which, yeah… online dating is maybe kind of lame. But at the same time it’s kind of not. Where else can a guy who wouldn’t go up to a girl out of nowhere because I don’t think it’s right for attractive girls to constantly be hit on all the time, and don’t go to bars or clubs, meet someone? It’s valid.
But even in that space, I don’t really know how to make a profile that would seem attractive to someone I would be interested in, and I don’t know that I know how to write a message to someone that would make them want to talk to me either.
So, yeah… I’m a mess.
Oh! The thing I said I might get to. When I got home from PAX, I had this great picture of me and Justin. I really like it a lot. He’s a great personality. But I realized, there’s no one who would care. I don’t have any friends who follow Joystiq or listen to the podcasts or anything to share this kind of thing with. A good amount of my interests are like this. I have to sort of just enjoy them on my own. Which, you know… I have been for a little while now and hadn’t really even noticed until wanting to share that picture with people. It’s a little sad, but it’s also a little nice to realize that I have my own interests that are not influenced by the people around me.
Last topic before bed: I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo. I’ve always been sort of against tattoos. I mean, I think they look cool, but really... a tattoo is forever. Is there really a thing that I want to put on my forever?
No, not really. The tattoo I want would be, well, kind of lame. I still want it. I’m okay with lame. But will I still want it in a couple of years? Maybe. Maybe not. The things that I love sometimes change drastically. I mean, if I had gone out and gotten a tattoo of the Friends logo back in high school, I would not be happy with it now. It was an alright show, but really it was just another sit com. That’s not something that I thought of it back then, but now it’s not even on my rotation of old things that I care enough to watch again.
Still, if a tattoo weren’t such a process I would probably get it. But it’s a hassle. Have to find a place, and then go in and talk to the artist and get sketches done and stuff… It’s a lot of trouble to go through for something that’s, for all intents and purposes, kind of just an impulse at the moment.
So, yeah. Probably won’t be getting the tattoo. If I’m being perfectly honest, which I have a tendency to be, a big part of the reason I want one at the moment is just because I want things to change and I don’t know how to make them in a real, positive manner. So I want a tattoo to just sort of force this insignificant change on myself.
Law school is sort of that too, but more significant. Am I sure that’s what I really want to do? Hell no. But I’ve gotta do something different. Get myself out of my little rut. I should just move and look for work and find some roommates and whatnot, like Lior did… but for one thing I don’t think I’m ready for that, and for another I don’t think that would really change my position. Just my circumstances. I need a place where I will be forced into contact with new people. Like in school. So, going back to school.
Also, you know, my job sucks and is also something that needs a change. So two birds with one stone.
Alright… that last thing turned into more than it was supposed to. Bed time. Goodnight.